


A Deadly Exhibit

by storyplease



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adventure, Banter, F/M, Humor, Mandrakes, muggle zoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 23:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13692018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyplease/pseuds/storyplease
Summary: There is something lethal in the London Zoo, and it's not the tiger exhibit. Luckily a crack team of wizards (and one witch) are on the case. If they fail, though, it could mean certain doom for themselves and everyone else in a five mile radius.





	A Deadly Exhibit

A group of hooded figures stumbled out of the Creepy Crawlies Exhibit muttering darkly.

"Oh Merlin, I can still feel them crawling all over me. Why is it always spiders?" Ron complained, slapping at his arms.

"At least you can squish a spider. You didn't land in the boa constrictor exhibit," Draco said, shuddering. "Snakes bring back bad memories. For obvious reasons."

"I think those snakes were quite well-behaved, actually," Harry said, limping oddly behind Draco, "I mean, compared to a basilisk that is trying to eat-slash-murder you. But I must say I did not appreciate landing bits first on your boot."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I didn't plan for my boot to be there, Potter!" Draco exclaimed.

"Bloody Aurors and their bloody inaccurate Portkeys! ' _It will take you right to it'_  my arse!" Snape swore from behind all of them, looking all for the world like he was about to hex someone on the spot. "I said that I would assist you with your problem. Not wrangle an enclosure full of angry lizards."

"At least it wasn't a snake, though, right?" Ron quipped, going silent at the sight of Snape's glare. "Well...you survived, didn't you?"

"I shall remember your lack of tact next time I happen to have an Acromantula in stock. Oh. Dear me, I think you missed one right  _there_ ," Snape said, pointing to a small spider dangling from one of Ron's earlobes and grinning darkly when Ron screamed and began to flail.

"Oi, Snape! Stop harassing Ron!" Harry said. "You're just here to get the Mandrake and go, you know."

Snape opened his mouth and was about to say something when a new voice called out to them.

"Oh, there you all are!" Hermione Granger appeared, looking stern in her Ministry robes.

"And why, again, did we have to bring her along?" Draco stage-whispered to Ron.

"Beats me," Ron whispered back.

"I can hear you, you know," Hermione replied, crossing her arms.

"Why didn't you drop into the same area as we did?" Harry asked.

"Um...well, I dropped into the moat in the tiger enclosure," Hermione said. "Don't worry. They were mostly sleeping and I know how to levitate myself over the enclosure bars and use a drying charm."

"Are you ok, Mione?" Ron asked.

"One of them cuffed me a bit, but it's nothing a little dittany can't solve. I have to be here anyway. It's important for the Ministry Warden of Magical Creatures to be a part of this endeavor. It's not often that this sort of thing happens."

"You utter idiot!" Snape said, rushing over to her and pulling up her sleeve. "It could get infected if it's not cleaned immediately!"

He began to set to work on helping her with her wound as the others rolled their eyes.

"I know, let's split up," Harry said. "Me and Ron can go—"

"Oh no you don't, Potter," Draco said, "I'm not wandering around a Muggle zoo in the dead of night looking for a deadly monster on my own. You  _do_  remember what happened last time, yes?"

"Yeah, you climbed a tree and nearly pissed yourself," Harry replied with a smirk while Ron sniggered loudly.

"Fine. I'll go with Snape and Granger," Draco growled.

Harry took one look at Snape's irritated expression and grabbed Draco by the sleeve. "You know, on second thought, I think you ought to come with us."

"I hope you all remember the spell-OW, do you mind?!" Hermione called out, wincing as Snape roughly scrubbed disinfecting salve into her wound.

"Do  _you_  mind avoiding being torn to shreds every time I turn my back?" Snape drawled back, scrubbing harder.

"Ok, then. We'll send a patronus if we find it first!" Harry said briskly. "Ta!"

"Wait—OW!  _Severus_!" Hermione growled.

* * *

"She's the only one who could get away with calling Snape by his first name," Draco complained as they lit their wand tips and began their search. "I tried once when I was twelve, and he took ten points from Slytherin."

Ron began to laugh and shrugged when Draco glared at him. "What? It's funny."

"Ok. Moving on, then." Harry pulled a small slip of parchment from his pocket. "According to Hermione, a fully-grown Mandrake was spotted by a wizard on holiday with his family. He reported it to her office, which was then escalated to our division to assist due to the danger involved."

"And, as  _I_  said before," Draco replied skeptically, "if we  _actually_  had a Mandrake on our hands, then there would have been casualties."

"It's not the common species from the British Isles," Harry explained, reading the page and frowning. "According to this report, it's native to South America. They stay in extended hibernation when the weather is cool, and grow to massive size."

"Good lord," Ron said, whistling low.

"Yeah, and when they wake up, their cry is known to be lethal for a five mile radius in all directions." Harry said thickly.

They all looked at each other, the sense of urgency evident in all of their faces.

"Let's find it, then," Draco said unnecessarily.

They set to work.

* * *

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Severus was muttering under his breath as he finished tying the bandage around Hermione's arm and securing the top with a sticking charm.

"I think it's quite a brilliant job, actually," Hermione replied with a smirk as she rolled her shoulder and slowly extended her arm. "Look, Severus, no pain!"

"No thanks to you!" Severus replied, his face growing flushed with frustration. "You could have been torn to shreds!"

"And I think that you sorely underestimate my abilities," Hermione said, sighing deeply. "I do work for the Magical Creatures—"

"You keep saying that, but you also keep recklessly endangering yourself!" he replied angrily. "Do you even think for a second how it might affect the rest of us if you were to be seriously injured or killed?"

Hermione's face reddened and she opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed her mouth and she looked at him knowingly. When she spoke again, it was in a soft, amused tone of voice. "You were worried, weren't you?"

"Y-you don't have to put it like that!" Severus stammered. "Besides, anyone would have been. This zoo is known for its robust big cat exhibit. There are at least ten of them on exhibition at any time! And besides, shouldn't we get moving? We only have until daybreak to find it."

"A good idea," Hermione said, standing up without taking his offered hand. "And for the record, I wasn't the one who gave all of us shoddily-made portkeys."

"Hmph," Severus said, following her, "well at least we both have  _one_  thing in common."

* * *

"Is that what I think it is?" Ron pointed, his face deathly pale.

"It's not your mum's cooking, if that's what you're asking," Draco drawled as Harry held back a snicker behind his hand.

"Stop being annoying, Malfoy, it's serious," Harry said, but he could not keep the amusement from his voice.

" _Stop being annoying, it's serious_ ," Draco sassed back. "On the contrary. I find that a life-or-death situation is the  _perfect_  time to be sarcastic. It helps stave off the mind-numbing terror, you see."

"Touché," Harry replied, for he had often used a similar tactic many a time in his own life.

"You may be right, Malfoy, but don't you bring my mum into this," Ron replied, biting his lip to keep himself from smirking, because hell, it  _was_  actually pretty funny.

"I'll send my patronus," Harry said, pausing as Draco laid a hand on his arm.

"Please, allow me. I need the practice." Harry raised an eyebrow and then motioned for Draco to go ahead. Draco closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and twisted his wand in a familiar motion. " _Expecto Patronum_!"

A glowing ferret wriggled out of the tip of his wand and sat upright on the ground before him. Draco glared back at Harry and Ron, who were holding each other and biting back peals of laughter. Tears were beginning to roll down Ron's face as he shoved his fist into his mouth to keep the giggles at bay.

"Oi, we found the offending creature over in the panda exhibit. Come as soon as you can. We'll need your wands." The ferret absorbed Draco's words with a snap of its jaws and nodded once. Then, with a swish of his wand, Draco sent it away to find Hermione and Snape.

"When I turn around, you two had better not be doubled over on the ground laughing at me, or I'm going to hex you three ways to Sunday," Draco growled darkly.

* * *

"There are many of species of Mandrake," Hermione read aloud from the small book in her hand, "but the largest by far is the Brazilian Spiral-Grained Mandrake. Due to its native tropical habitat, it grows so quickly that it is often mistaken for a tree. In cold climates, it is known to hibernate for years before it finally gives its first fatal cry. Mandrakes of this species have been known to cry and kill living creatures in up to a five mile radius, allowing their bodies to decompose and soak into the soil and feed the mandrake roots. Even protective headgear is rarely enough to protect against the fatal sound of their cries. They—"

"That is quite enough, thank you, Hermione," Severus said, "I think that I would prefer to read about this particular creature in the comfort of my own quarters, and not while skulking around in a dark Muggle zoo."

"I thought you enjoyed skulking around in the dark," Hermione replied with a smirk.

"Only when the alternative is being forced to teach Potions to snotty-nosed little idiots," Severus said, one side of his lips twitching upward.

Hermione shook her head and was about to cast the locator charm on the meerkat enclosure when Draco's glowing patronus appeared on the top of the exhibit sign. After it delivered its message, it ran back as if to point them in the correct direction. Hermione and Severus shared a long, meaningful look.

"Remember, it's  _Ventus_ , and the wand motion is like this," Hermione said, hastily showing off the wand motions.

"Your technique needs work," Severus replied, executing a miniature version of the spell and creation a tiny cyclone on the palm of his hand, which quickly went out. "Last time I checked, it's merely a third-year spell."

"Show-off," Hermione muttered, rushing after the patronus in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. She was so used to dealing with Harry and Ron, both of whom had little interest in more than a handful of spells, that she'd nearly forgotten who she was speaking to.

"That wasn't showing off. This, however…" Before she could protest, Severus ran around to face Hermione, grabbed her under the arms. and they lifted off the ground.

Hermione squeaked in an undignified manner and dug her fingers into his cloak as they flew over the elephant enclosure. "Arsehole," she muttered as she buried her face into his chest.

"Hate me later," he rumbled back. "We need to keep that thing from killing half of London."

* * *

"This is stupid," Ron said, poking at the large plant with a stick.

"Stop poking it, Ron!" Harry hissed.

"For once, even  _I_  agree with Potter," Draco said, glaring at Ron, who turned red and threw the stick into a bush. "Unless you have a deathwish, perhaps poking the screaming death plant is...how should I put this? Oh, yes. A profoundly moronic idea."

"Well, who asked you?" Ron pouted, walking over one of the rubber balls that had been left out in the enclosure and kicking it against the cement wall.

A few minutes later, Draco's patronus jumped out of the sky and faded away, followed by Snape's billowing form with Hermione clinging to the front of him like a baby bat.

"I  _hate_  flying," she complained as she finally let go of him.

"My aching shoulders unfortunately concur," Snape replied, rubbing at them gingerly.

"Hmph!" Hermione said, turning towards the mandrake and clasping her hands together in excitement. "Wow. This is even larger than the one in the picture!"

She walked around the plant, which looked quite a lot like a cross between a walnut tree with weeping willow branches. Tiny, tightly closed buds protruded from the sides like small, knobby warts.

"Yeah, which means a louder scream," Harry said somberly. "So, then, what's the plan?"

"We must use the Ventus Jinx to create a whirlwind of air around the offending plant," Hermione explained. Not only will it allow us to seamlessly uproot it in one go, but the artificial cyclone will distort any sound the mandrake makes, rendering its killer voice ineffective. At least that's what I hope."

"Wait...you aren't sure it will work?" Ron asked, kicking the ball harder against the concrete wall.

"All the calculations that Severus and I have done show—"

"That's another thing. Why are you calling him that, Mione? If you ask me, it's rather suspicious…"

"Ron, we can talk about this later," Harry said nervously, interrupting his friend before he could get started on a proper tirade. "You yourself said that you could remain professional on this job, but if you can't, then I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Come on, Harry! Don't you think it's a little weird how buddy-buddy she's gotten with Snape?" Ron's voice had gone somewhat shrill, and it was obvious that he was working himself up to a proper meltdown.

A noise from behind them made them all turn their heads. The mandrake's branches had begun to sway as if of their own accord.

"Can it, Weasley, or I'm going to cast an extra-strength silencing charm on your face," Draco growled.

Ron looked sour, but he shut up.

With that, everyone spread evenly around the mandrake, their wands at the ready.

"On my mark," Harry said, after an understanding glance from Hermione. "One...two...three...CAST!"

" _Ventus_!"

A spiraling wind burst from each wand, coalescing together around the mandrake tree. Each of them seemed to have some trouble holding onto the spell, as it tried desperately to escape from them. As they raised their wands, they could see the roots straining at the ground before they finally broke free and the whole body of the mandrake tree began to pull from the ground.

Underneath, was the largest, ugliest creature they'd ever seen. It was vaguely shaped like a human, only it had a bulbous, grub-like body with milky, sightless eyes that stared out from behind partially transparent eyelids. Its limbs were stubby and ill-defined, and it wiggled in its troubled sleep as it was disturbed from the earth.

Everyone visibly stiffened, when it opened its mouth, but it merely yawned. Of course, they could not hear much around the cushion of swirling air around it.

"Now, Severus!" Hermione cried out, as the entire thing lifted off the ground.

Without skipping a beat, Severus produced a second wand from his pocket and cast a miniaturizing spell. With the wind whipping around it, both Harry, Draco, and Ron sealed the winds so that they would infinitely refresh around the now-tiny creature. Hermione reached down into Snape's bag and pulled out a large-mouthed jar, scooping the Mandrake into it and fastening the lid.

"There!" Hermione said, holding up the jar. "One unusually large Mandrake, safely shrunken, retrieved, and ready for processing. I told you it would work."

Ron made a face, but said nothing. Draco yawned, which set off a chain reaction of yawns to everyone's annoyance. It was pretty obvious that the duration and energy required to maintain the Ventus spell had knackered the lot of them.

"What are you going to do with it, anyway?" Harry asked Hermione, as they walked back to the Creepy Crawly exhibit house to fix all the damage they'd caused at the beginning of the night.

"I'll log it back at the office, of course," Hermione replied thoughtfully. "I"ll also probably release it into the care of an experienced magizoologist."

"Pfft, she'll probably give it to Snape as a gift on their first date," Ron muttered under his breath.

"What was that? I'm not sure I could hear you clearly over the sound of the number of witches you've taken out on the town and given ridiculous gifts while Hermione was off bettering her career options in Tibet," Severus drawled back.

"She made me wait for eight years, Snape!" Ron shot back, his eyes focused on Hermione's irritated expression as she stared at both of them in exasperation. "But I imagine that's nothing to a creepy bloke who pines after dead women like yourself."

"That's ENOUGH, Ron!" Hermione shouted, startling both of them. Snape began to smirk nastily when she rounded on him. "And Severus,  _you're_  smart enough to know when you're provoking him for your own twisted pleasure. I'm not some sort of prize to be won. I thought we could all be professionals when the fate of thousands rested on our wands, but I guess that even a massive murderous Mandrake isn't enough to put your egos on hold for long enough to call it a night!"

"Have I told you lately that she's terrifying?" Draco stage-whispered to Harry, who nodded solemnly. "I've never seen anything more horrible than the look on her face before she punched me back in third year."

"Don't tempt me, Malfoy," Hermione said angrily.

"Er, then, I guess it's time to activate the Portkeys," Harry said awkwardly.

Hermione threw hers, which was a cracked teacup, onto the ground and smashed it under her boot, then Vanished it for good measure. "I could do with a walk, anyway," she said with a sniff.

Snape held up his portkey, which was one half of a blue billiard ball, and Vanished it silently without pulling out his wand. "I don't believe I have ever heard of a more excellent idea."

"Don't you even try to worm your way back into my good graces. I'm still irritated at you," Hermione said to him, but her tone was more conversational again. She packed up the Mandrake and slung the bag over one shoulder. "I'm holding onto this to make sure it's properly cataloged."

She pulled out the parchment from before and muttered aloud as she made a note. "Casting the Ventus jinks with a combined five wands, is sufficient to drown out the sound of a yawning Brazilian Spiral-Grained Mandrake. It is unknown if this technique will work on a full-volume scream."

"And let us hope that we never have to be the unlucky sods that test that theory," Draco whispered to Ron.

"Oi, Malfoy, maybe you really an all right bloke," Ron replied, with a thoughtful expression.

"Only in your dreams, Weasley," Draco replied. "Now, then, who wants to get a quick one down at the Leaky Caldron before heading home? Weasley's buying."

"I  _wou—HEY_!"

Harry followed the two squabbling Aurors with a shrug as though to say, "What can I do? They're always like this."

* * *

"Good riddance," Severus said, as the others disappeared into the darkness. "Now, then, how would you like to Apparate back to my place this time?"

"Work comes first, Severus. You know that," Hermione replied. "Besides, I haven't brought a change of clothes with me."

"That is the opposite of a problem," Severus replied, unlocking the outer gate to the zoo with a quick wandless spell.

"Maybe for  _you_ ," Hermione said, blushing as she followed him.

"Fine, we'll go back to that hellhole of a building you call your place of business." Severus pursed his lips, obviously cross at the thought of doing such a thing. He fiddled with the lock for what seemed like far too long as though he was trying to give her the silent treatment. Finally, he finished locking it tight and straightened up, his expression blanks.

"But after…" Hermione trailed off, a playful glint in her eye.

"After…?" Severus looked hopefully at her.

"I'm sure we can find a way to keep ourselves... _occupied_ ," she demurred.

"I think I can live with that," Severus replied, and took her hand in his as they walked through the darkened streets towards the Ministry.


End file.
